Photo by Dan Farrell on Unsplash
This is a personal opinion based on The School of Life’s Book Series; Self-hatred and How to Find Love
Humans are social creatures, we survive in communal, seeking warmth and love since we are born. As we grow up, attend schools then start working, we often linger in a specific circle. But often, we are trapped in what is called ‘toxic people’. And while we tried to escape from them, the pattern seems happened repeatedly. Why am I always attracting this kind of people?
Is It a Karma?
In the spiritual aspect, karma is perhaps the best term to define this phenomenon. But the TSOL’s book series may tell you differently—it’s because of the kind of love you’ve experienced from your childhood, the form of love you’ve got from your parents.
Being surrounded by difficult people regularly is not just a piece of bad luck. Maybe it’s the right time to asses yourself again. You have to see the bigger picture, see the patterns, and see thoroughly on yourself. Have you known yourself rightfully?
TSOL’s How to Find Love said, that we’re attracted to people who can fulfill at least one of these three things; people who can complete our imperfections, people who understand our ‘dark side’, and lastly, people who treat us similarly enough as the way our family loved us.
Often, the last aspect is the most common reason. There are no perfect parents, but generally, the love they give us is also followed by their negative traits. They may be loving and caring, but depressed and chaotic. They may be a polite and sociable person, but blunt and unintellectual. But what I said here is not to blame them, just we have to deal with the legacy.
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Love = Familiarity
We’re led to people who feel familiar to us. This is why we approach people who can recall many of the feelings we once had with our parents. However, not all of us have a loving and warm childhood.
TSOL’s Self-hatred explains that a bad childhood is not only in children who experience physical harm, or other damaging emotional actions such as shouting, but also in children who are ignored by their parents.
Many times, emotional neglect like that happens smoothly. A parent didn’t remember their favorite food. Not attending their school events. Not appreciate their work. No one notices that they are looking sad. No cuddles, hugs, or special nicknames. This may look usual, but it could cause severe damage.
As a child, their response is to blame themselves if something bad happens. This is a normal reaction because the child intends to seek love, validation, and appreciation from the people they love and care for, their parents.
The child would not think “Why do my parents lack care towards me?”, instead, they’ll just assume that it’s their fault and there must be something wrong with them. That’s why, unloving parents will develop self-hatred individuals.
Self-hatred individuals find that they are terrible people, and connecting with the wrong people will worsen their low self-acceptance. Thus, they have a tough time leaving people who are not right for them.
We want to be surrounded by people who feel familiar, but unknowingly this bad pattern will make us linger in the same cycle. Knowing ourselves properly will reveal many sides of us that need improvement. And self-improvement will escape us from this bad cycle.
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How To Be Better?
“The instinct for familiarity leads us to two kinds of difficult types: people who have the same bad qualities as parental figures; and people who have none of the bad qualities as parental figures, but none of their good qualities either.”
— page 45, TSOL’s How to Find Love
Consciously knowing the way we work, choose, and react is the first step to improving ourselves. Changes in our inner talk are also important. We may have to deal with difficult people, but we can revise our reactions towards them.
Remember, it’s not our mistake that we’ve been drawn to a difficult kind of person. There is always room for learning and improvement, so do it slowly and be kinder to yourself. If doing it seems hard to do, just know that seeking help is the bravest move to do.