Social Anxiety Disorder
Do you want to know how my life is going? It’s not awesome as you can see. Well, actually I had few friends in school, almost-perfect family, and even a bestie forever who always supported me. It’s just like a normal life, right?
However, what I am most paranoid about, was myself. The most specific was my soul. It’s hard to survive. It’s more difficult than if you had to finish your Mathematics final exam, but I tried really hard. Do you want to know how my pain is? And how did I try to survive? Welcome to Talitha’s life.
“Oh sh— my God, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!” I yelled in panic. I turned off the alarm which bombarded me for almost a thousand times then ran to the bathroom.
You know when I looked like this, my brain just dragged a little from the normal position. I forgot to eat breakfast and even swallowed my anxiety meds. I still didn’t understand when my situation was just like this, I ignored my self’s condition. Okay, that was just my pure stupidity. Importantly, I arrived at school on time. But honestly, I’m not even interested in going there.
I went to my locker and tried to ignore all of the ‘aliens’ who barked at me while we passed each other. Maybe some people may have thought that I was weird. Why? Because I hated to socialize. Although I had friends, it just meant nothing to me.
Suddenly, a person whom I to-be-honest won’t see just snapped my back. Oh shoot, you’ve gotta be kidding me. He’s Dirga, one of my slam-bang friends.
“I don’t have much time right now. I’m late for Math class, Dirga!” I warned him. When I walked away from my locker, he stopped me.
“Hey, don’t worry we are in the same class, right? Don’t you forget that? As you see I’m late too.” He answered innocently, “I think we have to skip the class, I won’t Mrs. Ilma getting mad again. It’s terrible when we saw our class’s last exam scores. All of the students got remedial tests. So awful.” he continued, rolling his eyes. I quickly thought of something and it seemed he was waiting for my response. I nodded then I walked to leave him.
“Tal, where are you going? We have to meet the pals!” he asked and followed me. I began to feel annoyed. The pals, huh?
“Please don’t follow me! Just go with yourself, I really want to be alone!” I got upset at him then left him in a hurry. I saw that he raised his hands and let me go.
I liked to contemplate on the edge of the school football field. It looked empty just like myself right now. It felt so good when I was sitting here listening to “Footlose” by Kenny Loggins from my iPhone. Then I grabbed my anxiety meds from my jeans pocket. For a moment, I wondered if I still needed this or not. I shook my head and put the meds back in my pocket.
The next day at school, I saw many students whispering something. I didn’t know what’s all about, but I heard vaguely that a student told her friend that I avoided Dirga and pals. Unfortunately, I didn’t swallow my anxiety meds for the third time. My heart was just beating so fast and my forehead was sweating. Oh screw you, Dirga.
I ran to the female restroom and luckily there were no other students there. My legs just couldn’t stand anymore. I gripped the edge of the sink then closed my eyes and tried to take a breath slowly.
Geez, you’re too pathetic, Talitha. Look at them! They hate you. They hate you because you keep staying away from them.
Too funny, I thought. When I opened my eyes, it became red just like a vampire who was thirsty for blood. I realized that I was crying. How long would I be like this? When could I get rid of this nasty sickness? I screamed and hit the mirror in front of me with my magenta rucksack.
“God, I can’t handle this anymore!” I roared while squeezing my hair.
When I entered the English classroom, many students were looking at me with a strange and dismissive look, but I tried to not give a shit. I couldn’t focus. Even though English was my favorite subject. I wasn’t active, sitting in the back corner of the class, and looking outside the window.
The lesson was just finished, all of the students were leaving the class except me. I kept looking at the window and I was quite surprised when Mr. Harris, my History teacher, was already sitting in front of me. Well, me and Mr. Harris were already getting closer because a person who I could tell about myself was just him. I was raising my eyebrows and waiting for him to talk first.
“It seems you aren’t okay.” I just wanna say thank you to Mr. Harris for his checkmate. Well, he always is. I took my rucksack and put down the anxiety meds on the desk roughly. Afterwards, I rubbed my face with my hands, frustratingly. “You know I don’t need this anymore. This makes me crazy all the time!” I said with great emphasis.
“I don’t have anxiety! Who says that I have it? The demons are ruining my life. I just want to be a normal girl who can have chit-chats with friends and mess up with each other, but I never do that!” Now my tears started to drop on my cheek.
“Why? Why can’t I do any positive things? I always save one word in my brain, it’s ‘pathetic’. Look at them! Many students are staying away from me, only because I can’t get together again with my friends. And you know why? Because I won’t let them know that it turns out I am ‘crazy’. What the heck is wrong with me, huh? Are you aware of it?”
This is the first time I was talking passionately with Mr. Harris and finally my breath was panting. Quite hard, actually. I thought he had to take a long time to permeate all my emotions.
Soon after he said, “If you really don’t need these meds anymore, then you have to save your soul. It’s only you who can save yourself. Not even others and not even me. Now, it’s time you have to fix yourself. Try to socialize, say ‘hi’ or ‘how do you do’ or else. Not all students have antagonist personalities. If there’s someone who’s alone, close them. Actually they need someone to talk to and I believe they will be welcomed.”
The way Mr. Harris spoke just like a gentle breeze pierced through my whole body. “Remember you are not alone, Talitha. You still have me. Of course, I will help you as much as I can. And I know you can do this because I know that you’re smart and you’re even my favorite student.”
I sobbed for a moment, putting my head right through my palms. My heart shattered in pieces. I was just like this for a moment, but then Mr. Harris stroked my head gently.
A few minutes later, someone knocked the classroom door when I realized who, I slightly froze. She was Natasha, my only bestie. She’s also with Dirga, the hell he’s doing here?
“Oh wow, the guardian and the goblin come to see you…” sang Mr. Harris with a silly face. Dirga made a poker mug to him and responded, “Mr. Harris, stop. I just want to apologize to her.” Mr. Harris grinned.
I walked into Natasha and hugged her tightly, still sobbing. When she was letting go of the hugs, she frowned and looked at me confused. “You alright, muchacha?” she asked. I just shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I guess you need a dozen chocomint Ben & Jerry’s right now.” she continued, making a dramatic pitiful face at me.
“Tal look, I’m so sorry about what I’ve done to you. I swear to God, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.” he complained. I raised my eyebrows by folding both arms across my chest. Looking for his seriousness. “Please, I— I’m willing to treat you for the ice cream— or anything.” he stammered.
I signed first then said, “Well, apology accepted. But… don’t you freaking dare to repeat that again, okay? You have to promise me, Dirga.” I pointed at him, looking at him sharply.
“I promise.” he asked to shake my hand, then I replied immediately. He smiled widely.
“Oh, you don’t have to treat me actually. But if you want to— it’s okay, I think.” I added.
“Alright so, what are we waiting for? Let’s go.” Natasha chimed in, grabbed my right hand.
“Okay, okay. I treat both of you.” said Dirga, winking at us.
We then walked leaving the class. And I didn’t even forget to say thank you to Mr. Harris with a sincere smile. He waved me to say goodbye.
Right now my feelings are quite cured. Now it’s time I begin to replace the word ‘pathetic’ with ‘positive’ in my brain. I started to learn how to survive from my demons. And importantly, I am not alone.
“The most beautiful people wear their hearts on their sleeves, and their souls in their smiles.”
– Mark Anthony
***
This story has been revised from previous publication by the author.
This story contested as the 3rd winner of English Letters Competition Festival (ELCOMFEST) 2017 presented by Sanata Dharma University and also published in personal blog & Wattpad.
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